Goodbye to All That, on Loving and Leaving a Clinic

This was an essay I wrote as I am saying goodbye to the Clinic I have worked at for 4 years, owned for 2.5 and given thousands of acupuncture treatments to hundreds of people. The end is bittersweet and marks the beginning of a full launch into Well in the West. 

Inspired by Joan Didion’s  - Goodbye to All That, on Loving and Leaving New York.

“It is easy to see the beginnings of things, and harder to see the ends.” - Joan Didion

I remember the first time I found Service Workers’ Acupuncture Project on Yelp. It was a block from my apartment and treatments were done in a group setting. It was different from other community style clinics because there were massage tables instead of chairs. I had a background in community acupuncture, which usually means 5-10 recliners in a room. SWAP stood out because it had an intimacy I hadn’t seen in other group acupuncture clinics.

When I first introduced myself to Holly, the owner of SWAP, I said ‘Of the many community clinics that are now available in San Francisco, your clinic seems to align with many values that I have in my own life and practice.’ We made a lunch date, we chatted. She thought about how to incorporate me into her business and it happened easily, one baby step at a time.

My introduction sentence to Holly is still true now. This clinic, Service Workers Acupuncture Project is the most aligned with many values that I have in my own life and practice. It has been really important to keep the acupuncture affordable. It has been really important to keep acupuncture in a group setting. It has been really important to me to have space for loved ones to come get treatment together.

I have treated spouses, parents and children, best friends, business partners, on the tables next one another. The quiet exchange of glances that loved ones have as they come out of an acupuncture treatment is incredibly precious. It’s a fleeting moment of peace and connection. I can see how incredible it is to transform alongside someone you love. To somehow mend your heart a little bit, or walk away with a little less pain.  The love that emanates from people after an acupuncture treatment is almost tangible. It radiates exponentially more when the people in the room already have love for one another.

Over the past four years I have been able to celebrate with patients. It has always been a victory to fend off cancer for another year, to celebrate a pregnancy or birth. I have stood alongside people as they have quit their jobs or marriages, traveled the world, gotten their dream jobs, battled cancer and graduated school all while taking some time to get some acupuncture. I have also shared sorrow with patients as they have lost their parents, friends and colleagues, and for me, this year as I lost my dad. Celebrations and sorrows are focal points in the clinic. Together we mark growth, pain, and the passing of time.

I am lucky. Because, on a daily basis, I get to share in incredibly tender human moments. It is truly an honor to be an acupuncturist, to see these changes big and small, life changing, earth shattering. It reminds me that we all go through this. We are all on this ride together.

It has been an incredibly challenging decision to leave all that 513 Valencia has held for me, for us, and our time together. However, I am excited to make a bigger impact with Chinese medicine, and all the human tenderness that happens on a daily basis. I will be focusing most of my time on Well in the West’s new Seasonal Health Coaching program. It will be launching in the fall.

I will still be seeing patients privately in my home in Berkeley for now. And if you want to keep in touch on what treatment options, education I am offering, please hop on the newsletter for Well in the West. I will sometimes bare my soul, and sometimes give you recipes. It all goes together.

With great love & tenderness for all your healing,

Lauren Kaneko-Jones

Emerging into Spring

Last spring I had a huge emergence out of the vulnerability closet. I got engaged. Then I wrote about the complexities of engagement for me and the post got shared far and wide. It was scary to be exposed in that way.

The end of the summer I had a hard time maintaining the moment of Spring and as I began to get myself back into the grooves with back to school vibes of fall, my dad died.

Fall and winter were dark for me. (They are for everyone even without a recent loss.) The natural patterns of these seasons are looking inward and into places we have not looked at all year.

During Fall, the season was swallowed in the grief and logistics of a loved ones death. The Winter was welcomed as a time to hibernate, rest, take deep self-care and recover. To top it off I was dealing with the intense grief of losing my father paired with the ever present adrenal fatigue. 

But life goes on, and the darkness descends back into itself and life emerges again into Spring.

emerge definition: /əˈmərj/ verb 

1. to become manifest : become known
2. become apparent or prominent.
3. recover from or survive a difficult situation.

For me, the third definition resonates so deeply: 3. recover from or survive a difficult situation.

Now that Spring is here, I am ready to grow and move forward. I have to admit, it is fucking scary to recover and survive the death of my father. I can tell that this Spring I am experiencing immense growth. Simultaneously I am honoring that the whole world is new and raw without the presence of my dad's protection.

I look forward to this season of growth. I am curious to explore the recovery period of this season. And always, always looking forward to what emerges this year. 

Big Magic Chai

I love this recipe. The ritual of taking 30 minutes to make this magical creation and the physical relief I feel every time I drink it is amazing. 

Elizabeth Gilbert has been a big teacher to me through her book Big Magic and her open sharing on social media.

I, personally, think we need many more teachers like her, sharing the vulnerable, the messy and behind-the-fame parts of their lives. It helps us to understand that these powerful people are human too. 

For a little magic, warmth and health in your life this winter, I bring you Big Magic Chai.

Big Magic Chai Recipe

Bring 3 cups of water to boil.

Add:

• 3 Cinnamon sticks
• 1 to 2 inches of ginger, diced
• 1 teaspoon of cloves
• 1 teaspoon of whole black pepper
• About 8 - 10 pods of cardamom, crushed.

Bring it all to a boil, let it simmer, covered, for about 10 minutes.

Add 2 black tea bags. (If you like, you can throw a vanilla pod in there at this time, as well. If you want to go really nuts, throw a star anise in there, too. But be careful. Star anise is the beets of spices — it takes over EVERYTHING.) 

Simmer again for about 5 minutes.

In the bottom of the biggest mug you've got, put a tablespoon of honey, a teaspoon of turmeric powder, and a tablespoon of coconut oil.

Take a bit of the chai liquid, put in the mug, and whisk it until the honey, turmeric powder, and coconut oil are all blended.

(Alternatively, you can blend it all in a blender, but it works with a whisk nicely.)

Now fill your giant mug 3/4 of the way with hot strained chai liquid.

Heat up (or froth up) some milk or milk-like substance of your choice. (I go old school, like they do in India, and I always use cow's milk — but feel free to use whatever milk-like product you like.) Top off the mug with the hot milk, and stir.

Sprinkle with cinnamon.

Drink that mother down, preferably while reading a good novel.

WILL CURE ALL*

Heart, 
LG

Bringing Vacation Home

Vacation is amazing. Nature is restorative. Both of them are vital to surviving life in an urban environment. 

Each time I leave town, especially if it is out into nature, I can feel my whole body relaxing. That's the point right? It's to take a break and do less. The point is not only to do less, but also to think less.

This break was amazing, not everything went to plan, but problem-solving there helped really put me there. All the thoughts of business, writing, wedding planning melted far, far away.

Now that I am back in the middle of a city, sirens run loud, my block smells like urine, people all around me are stressed and tapped out, I feel lost. I feel warm and cozy and happy in my body surrounded by lots of discontent. 

In cities, we run ourselves ragged. From work, to social lives, to exercise, even self-care can become another bullet on a never-ending to-do list.

What if we, stopped adding to our to-do lists?

What if we had less stuff to take care of?

What if we bring our vacation home?

Can you do that? Can you do less? Explore more? Get curious about all the amazing things that surround you in this life?

I invite you to try this out. Explore something new where you live. Take some things off of the to-do list, put your phone down, and take some time to just BE in your daily routine. 

City to Sea to the Mountains

I have always been a city girl. I was raised in a small city and I have chosen to live in bigger cities my whole adult life. I love the pace, the culture, the food. I love being a hub for friends to come visit. 

I love being able to walk out my door and have a variety of activities to choose from.

While in a city, I have also always lived by the sea. From Berkeley to New York to Spain back to San Francisco, being close to the water has always provided me comfort, stability and a huge natural resource to check in with. 

When shit hits the fan, the city shifts suddenly. The beautiful cacophony of yells, music, trash cans, neighbors, garbage trucks and traffic simply transform into NOISE. The energy of being in a hub with interesting people who are eating great food and going to interesting events transforms into OVERWHELM.

It is in those moments of personal chaos, there is no other option but to seek nature. It is simply to save myself that my feet must touch the sand, I must stand at the edge of the ocean, and remember how small I am. How insignificant this problem is. How the world keeps turning no matter the heartbreak, sorrow, turmoil, joy, drama or worry we carry. 

On days when I can barely function, I get out of the city. I cook myself some food, pack a picnic, drive myself down the coast, take off my shoes, put my feet in the sand. These moments when my feet touch the ocean remind me that I am alive. The way my body feels laying in the warmth of the rays of sun help me to feel protected in the chaos of nature. It was only there that I found solace. 

While the sea has been a great resource to me, I got an idea, a whisper, an intuitive feeling that the mountains were what was calling me this year.

I can't wait to see what comes of the trip, what adventures come. I can't wait to come home with clarity, and mental space and feeling resourced.

John Muir said it best - 

Seeds

“All the buried seeds crack open in the dark the instant they surrender to a process they can’t see.”

— Mark Nepo

I have been in the dark. Fighting to see the light. 

The past month has been brutal. Orlando. Alton Sterling. Philando Castile. Dallas. All of a sudden the state of our country, which is almost at civil war, is so blatant. 

It's on every screen. Not only the event, but the aftermath. Orlando then anti-muslim sentiment and homophobia. Alton Sterling and the heartbreak of leaving behind a family. Philando Castile departing a beloved community, 4 year old and girlfriend. Black Lives Matter movement, arrests and more violence by police. Dallas policemen doing their jobs quickly losing their lives.

We, as Americans, are reeling and lost and wondering, how do we remake our country to be the LAND OF THE FREE and the HOME OF THE BRAVE?

Simultaneously, I have been facing my own scary health issues. Some issues as minor as a cavity, some as major as mysterious abdominal pain. 

Amidst cultural turmoil, my body is having its own revolution and civil war. 

I found out that I have an ovarian cyst. It's minor, not a big deal in the spectrum of health issues. But what I was experiencing was intense abdominal pain, feeling flu-ish and very uncomfortable in my body.

I got an ultrasound to look at my abdomen more closely and when I left the lab, I hurriedly walked to the car and called my fiancé. The phone rang twice and he picked up, 

"Hi" I said

"Hey, what's up?" he said

"I don't know..... I still....I just....I don't know what's happening..."

I broke into pieces right there over the phone. Big fat alligator tears rolled down my face and my breath caught in my throat. I was still in pain, had just done an exam, and now had to wait 5 days to get the results.

As a health practitioner, I knew the chances of something being really wrong and needing a procedure were low. I was shaking in my boots, as a patient, I am just like anyone else, lost, scared, confused and feeling crappy. 

I have a wide variety of solutions outside the western medical toolbox. I have herbs, (and herbalist friends) great foods, traditional women's health remedies and beyond amazing healer practitioner friends. But I did not want to be the crazy-alternative-medicine-lady who avoids going to the MD and then needs emergency surgery because her plant medicine wasn't the right thing. 

So I went, got the tests, paid for the doctor's appointments (that needs another essay, our healthcare system is wack) and I waited. Turns out, there's nothing much to do in western medicine, just sit, and wait for it to get better. Go back and get more tests, aka more dollars spent. 

For now, I have my resources, herbs, practitioners, friends who are practitioners, nutrition, and a few other tricks. It has made it all the more clear how VITAL it is for "alternative" health care such as acupuncture, herbalism, massage etc to be much higher on the list of resources AND integrated with our western medicine system. 

Simultaneous to this cultural and personal darkness there has been growth. These insanely violent murders have brought to light, loud and clear the big rift and all the work that needs to happen in this country. We have a long way to go to redefine how to truly be free and brave.

“If we are brave enough often enough, we will fall; this is the physics of vulnerability. When we commit to showing up and risking falling, we are actually committing to falling...Daring is saying, “I know I will eventually fail and I’m still all in.””

— Brené Brown

Personally, in my darkness I have cracked open to my need to keep being vulnerable, sharing my experience and supporting others through their moments of mental and physical darkness. It seems there is no other way than to crack open and surrender. 

I don't know the answer, or the solutions. I am still grappling with the heartbreak of the violent injustices committed. And I am still figuring out how to get my body back to 100%. What I do know is that these seeds have been in the dark, and they have cracked open and grown, and I will follow their lead. 

Enough.

WHY?!

That's what I ask myself all the time.

WHY should I get off the couch, when my heart feels like a canon ball and my limbs feel like deadweight?

WHY leave my house when people are getting killed, or raped?

WHY bother to open my heart when it is inevitably going to be chewed up, spit out and stomped on?

WHY have we as humans in a modern world still be so able to hurt and traumatize one another?

In my eyes there is not enough room in this world for all the broken hearts that beat inside people's chests. And so we pass on our pain to share the brokenness.

There is so much fear, of ourselves, of one another that the world continues to spin with daily hate crimes, violence and lack of humanity.

In my eyes, there is only so much each of us can do, and are we doing enough?

Is being an ally enough?

Is voting enough?

Is protesting enough?

Is writing our senators enough?

Is organizing community enough?

Is any of it enough?

The answer is no. None of that is enough. There will never be enough time in the day or energy humanly possible to solve all the hurt in the world at once. 

But the difference between those actions being enough versus our beings being enough is that,
WE ARE ENOUGH
I AM ENOUGH
YOU ARE ENOUGH

If those words don't ring true when you say them, this is where you start. This is the beginning of the process. 

The more of you can feel in your bones that "I AM ENOUGH" the more people you can love, support and give to. 

Your enough-ness, will comfort them and show them it is possible to also feel that way too. Your enough-ness will help you realize when someone else is suffering. Your enough-ness will help you realize that someone may not respond to you, or do what you want them to do in the way you want them to do, but it is not about you. Your enough-ness lets others be enough. 

If we had a world of people that could say "I AM ENOUGH" and feel it in their bones there would be a lot less rage, violence and trauma.

When we have a world of people that can say "I AM ENOUGH" we get to say ENOUGH to gun violence, homophobia, racism, bigotry. 

Until then, there will continue to be hate, violence and outbreaks. 

Until then, I will be here, reminding myself everyday that "I AM ENOUGH" and sharing that with you too, "YOU ARE ENOUGH"

Vulnerability is Terrifying

Vulnerable Definition:

1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.

2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.

3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend

Damn. Looking at that definition, almost every cell in my body wants to run screaming in the other direction. I am going to be fully, vulnerably honest. It was terrifying to post some of the dark moments of my engagement. I had no idea if people would want to know the dark stuff. I didn't know if I was ruining an illusion that people were attached to, or what their reactions might be.

Instead of people running away screaming, I got 30+ emails from colleagues, friends and I even got approached by my 15 year old niece.

She asked me, "Lolo, what is this instagram post? What do you mean 'the not so good parts of being engaged'?"

I froze. 'Oh shit.' I thought. What have I gotten myself into? Should I screen my family, so I don't have to share this with them. I kind of wanted my writing to spread far and wide to help strangers. The up-close personal, family and friends really knowing you... that's scary.

I think that we all have shadows, face darkness and know what it feels like to struggle. As we keep moving forward it is vital to create a community of people who are willing to pay attention, acknowledge their depth and share their tenderest moments. This is the way we can feel less isolated and alone in those moments.

I looked at my niece, 15 years old, a freshman in high school. Life is rather black and white, she is self-assured, from a great family, she knows there is bad in the world, but has not had to experience much of it. I looked at her sister, standing behind her, 17 years old and finishing her junior year of high school. I explained, "Well, C, your sister, she is graduating next year, that's really exciting right?"

"Yeah." They both replied.

"But also, isn't it a little sad that you won't be living in the same house anymore, you won't be playing softball together anymore and she will be leaving some of your childhood behind..." I trailed off.

"Yeah. True. But you're engaged!" They responded and then went back to checking their phones.

I realize that I have ripped off the bandaid, there is no more hiding, there is no more pretending where things don't hurt or affect me. It is out in the world for you, for my family, for my friends and hopefully can help bring a little light to the shadows of our experiences.

We need these stories. We need these moments to share, to make change. In light of this week's Emily Doe vs. Brock Turner case, I admire this woman who shared her story on the stand and with the world. We need more people to speak up about the moments that hurt so we can have community, support and release some pent up pain. To me, she is doing her work, and in the words of Brené Brown, she is both Daring Greatly and Rising Strong. Brene Brown has been a huge catalyst, push, inspiration for me to keep doing, sharing and living this work.

Stay with me. I will keep working to share my wholeheartedness with you.

As always, questions or comments for me, what this brought up for you are welcome by commenting below or contact me!