DisEngaged

Simple Definition of engaged: promised to be married: busy with some activity

 

I got engaged!

As I announce this one by one to family and friends I have to say that their excitement is palpable. Mine…depends on the day.

There is definitely excitement, elation, heart-opening joy, but there is also some dark stuff, that creeps up, quietly lining each happy emotion with a thin shadow.

I have been trying to figure out how to explain this, and also to figure out why these “negative” feelings have been surfacing during this moment that is supposed to be one of the happiest of my life.

I am making a huge leap forward with my partner. We have been together for six years and lived together for three. Truly, we have already created a marriage. A couple months ago when he and I decided to make it official, I was really excited. I loved having the secret. Part of me wanted to tell everyone, but we decided to keep it just about us for a little bit.

Now that it's announced, I have to say there is a lot of fear, anxiety, and stoicism happening for me. It's confusing. I realized that some of those above listed emotions are coming on because there is an underlying sadness. 

“The brightest lights bring out the deepest shadows”

— Carolyn Elliot

No matter what joy or success I have, there is always a little grief at letting go of what I had before (even if it is high time to be movin' on). Since I put on that ring, I have experienced many high and low emotions; I have realized the shadow side of me is right there. She waits for moments like these to truly show her depth. 

My shadow side emotions are quite separate from how I feel about my partner and my relationship.

I am very much in love with him.

I am deeply grateful for him.

I am constantly amazed at what steady love, attention and support he has for me.

I am deeply grateful that he and I have worked, over, under and through MANY conflicts - and come out the other side for the better.

I am proud and impressed that we have come out rough patches communicating kindly, truly seeing each other and learning when to compromise and when to honor our separate selves.

Last year, when I had come home from an intense 10 days away with some of the best women I know, I excitedly downloaded details from the trip with my girlfriends, my good friend’s baby and inspiration from a 3 day retreat. As I reflected on this time, my growth, how far I had come, my then boyfriend looked at me, with tears in his eyes, and said “I am so proud of you for doing this work.”

That sentence was pivotal in our relationship. Before that moment, I tried to give him peeks into my alternative world, into Chinese medicine, and intuitive work and my personal work. But it was personal, and I was shy to share it. That sentence, dissolved most of my fear and I felt so proud to be so loved in the place where I was most vulnerable.

For the past 10 months we have been doing work together in couple’s therapy. We entered it after a rocky time in our relationship, as a way to see if we could repair some cracks or if it was time to cut the rope. We also entered it as a way to pre-marital work.  We wanted to enter the next phase of life together equipped with ways to compromise instead of hitting the same arguments, the same blocks.

I have seen many relationships and marriages of different shapes and sizes. I have seen them up close and personal and what I have learned is the great ones are few and far between, and they take a lot of work. Signing up for that is fucking scary. It’s not too different from the current life that we have together. It is taking a deeper, more self-assured step, into that work.

I said yes, I am engaged, I am moving forward. I bid a final farewell to my single lady self. I take the highs and lows of the shift into the identity of wife. I am facing my fears about taking the risk that anything is possible and the very scary thought it could not work out.

Onto this next adventure, of engagement, wedding planning and really getting to spend a life with the man I love. I am so grateful to have him by my side as I ride these highs and lows.

There is room for all of it: joy, fear, elation, and disappointment. But my brightest moments are opportunities to face my deepest shadows.

Dear Shadow,

Thank you for reminding me that life is not all puppies and roses, nor can we all be Peter Pan and live in Never Never Land. (Part of me wants it to be so much) I choose to be Wendy. To hold tender those moments of play, single life, adventure and youth but also to grow up. It does not mean that I cannot visit whenever I want. 

I hope to incorporate all the play and adventure into married life and I choose to move on from the last chapter. Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Love, Lauren

On Being Sick & A Holistic Perfectionist

I hate being sick.

It's hard for me to rest and sleep when my body is telling me to slow down. Every time some new symptoms show up in my body I try to diagnose myself. My acupuncturist - herbalist- practitioner brain tries desperately to figure out what the quickest (holistic) fix is.

Even after 7 years of being in Chinese Medicine, I still struggle in my own body that sometimes it doesn't work perfectly.

While I struggle with this holistic perfectionism, ultimately being sick has taught me how to be a better practitioner. I was a pretty healthy kid, but I got really sick when I was 14. After the fall semester of vigorous training for the crew team, I got strep throat over winter break. I remember the moment I felt it. It was the day after Christmas and I was sitting on the floor of the waiting room at Emergency. My cousins, aunts, uncles and parents were all there.  My grandmother, who we were visiting, had had a little stroke and was in the hospital. I was exhausted, my body hurt all over and it hurt to swallow. I got antibiotics, "recovered" and went back to school and life. Then I got the flu. I can't remember if I got better, but I know I got a second round of strep throat. (I now know that when there are consecutive rounds of strep throat it is usually the same bacteria that never goes away and is waiting for the correct circumstance to come back - if this is happening to you, let's talk and we can put you on herbs and probiotics to get your body back)

The result of being consecutively sick for two months at the age of 14 was that I was tired all the time. My stomach hurt constantly and random symptoms would pop up, achy-ness, headaches...you name it. 

I didn't have energy to keep on keepin' on. I also began to have allergies for the first time in my life and that summer. When I was outside enjoying the heat of summer nights getting bit by mosquitos the bites turned into hard swollen knots the size of tennis balls, my immunity was shot.

I switched from full time at High School to part time home teaching and part time going to school. I was embarrassed about not being able to be a "normal" teenager, and even my best friends couldn't totally understand why I was constantly missing class and not around like everyone else.

Being sick really changed my life. All of a sudden, at the age of 14, I had to treat my body with special care.

I was a teenager, moderation was the last thing I was interested in. I spent high school not doing sports, doing way less activity than my peers and just trying to be "normal". I got better, I was able to do school and weekend fun. But I wasn't doing all the after school stuff of sports or clubs or other stuff, I didn't have capacity. 

I left my life behind when I went to college in New York. I had recovered enough and had a pretty successfully healthy college experience. But depletion began to rear its ugly head in my senior year. I started having blackouts. (not the drinking kind). I went to a couple MD's who didn't have much to say or do about it. I was left terrified and confused. This began my journey with acupuncture.

As a child, I was deeply afraid of needles. I would turn green when I would get my blood drawn and feel faint when getting shots. Feeling stranded by western medicine and wanting an answer to why i was having blackouts, my acupuncturist was such a ray of light. She asked me about my period, what the quality of blood was, what color it was, if I got cramps. She asked me about my digestion and appetite. When she needled me I could feel sensation up and down the channels. 

Finding a diagnosis - even in Chinese medicine felt reassuring and like I wasn't simply crazy. This was the beginning of my dive into Chinese Medicine and becoming an acupuncturist.

My health history is complex and confusing and sub-medical. I have never been able to find help or answers from MDs. Even when I have visible symptoms on my body, my vital signs, blood levels and every test come back completely within the normal range.

This experience has given me a keen eye. As a practitioner I see through lots of layers and information and stay curious about what the root of an issue could be. Experiencing lackluster doctors has given me the motivation to truly seek help for my patients so they continue to improve.

With all the health issues I have dealt with I have learned a lot. And sometimes, I still get sick, or have weird symptoms. What I have found that no matter how healthy I get, there can always be something that happens to my body.

It does not make me a failure to be a human who gets sick, doesn't feel well, and doesn't always know how to fix herself. 

Whenever I get healthier I tend to push my body in different ways. Sometimes this causes new symptoms. My self-care practice is better than it ever has been. My overall health is the best it has been in 15 years. And I continue to work on the fact that I am a human and finding holistic solutions to immediately fix myself does not make me a better person. 

If you have been a holistic perfectionist - come join me in this journey. Being hard on ourselves does not help us to heal.

I am letting go.

I am forgiving myself.

I am making space to be a human. 

All She Needed

Over the weekend I spent 16 hours learning about pediatric acupuncture and herbalism with an amazing teacher. What I walked away with was the knowledge of how to treat so many ailments and the reminder of what this medicine is really for.

With the teachings of Raven Lang I learned more in two days than I learned in some 15 week classes. Raven has over 40 years of experience practicing medicine and is constantly curious and keeping up with current research. In her 70's, her long silver hair hugs her shoulders and her energy is palpable in the room. She has a firm, commanding presence and she also has a soft maternal energy that radiates kindness and compassion.

Our inner child truly shouts for help when we are sick or injured. It is common for adults of all ages to really want their mom as they fight a fever off or are lethargic from being sick for a week. 

Raven's years of experience span treating people of all ages and she is full to the brim of resources and homework for patients to learn how to take care of themselves at home.

This weekend taught me recipes, remedies, herbal dosages, and point prescriptions. But even more so it taught me that our role as a practitioner is an incredible important and intimate one. 

I see patients come in with various aches, pains, ailments, discomforts, being under-slept, overtired, overstressed - as adults we often forget how to take care of ourselves. Self-care of eating, sleeping and breathing gets put aside as we conquer to-do lists and strive to become more productive and powerful. 

We rush things. When moving quickly is no longer working our bodies start to sound the alarms. A small headache, a little nausea, some tiredness. And if we don't listen, the alarms turn to sirens and they make sure they are heard. Headaches morph into migraines, nausea turns into digestive ailments and tiredness turns into fatigue and total lethargy.

When the alarms sound, it is time to slow down and listen. If you need help listening - go get acupuncture. If you can know what your body is needing, do it. Rest more. Eat some healthy foods. Go have fun. Get to nature. Exercise. Breathe. Meditate. Just be. Do what you need to do, for you, before the sirens.

In our busy lives, minds and bodies we often forget that a little bit of space and stillness can take us a long way. This is a reminder, that sometimes the best way to help yourself is as simple as that.

Green soup Recipe...(ish)

Veggie soups are forgiving and flexible and it's important to pay attention to what flavors you enjoy to get the right balance for you. This recipe is based off of a recipe from Real Food All Year. 

The miso in this soup gives a great umami flavor and you'll feel great after eating this. Very clean, simple and easy to do.

I love the farmer's market, so this soup is for spring bounty, but again it can be totally flexible.

INGREDIENTS:

PHASE 1:

• 1 bunch carrots
• 2 lbs thin skinned potatoes
• spices

PHASE 2:

• Heavy fat of choice: butter or  coconut oil or ghee
• Allium of choice: Leeks (or green onions or onion or garlic)

PHASE 3:

• 1 pint broth (veggie or meat)
• 3/4 lb of nourish green or mix (spinach, kale, chard, dandelion green - only use partial)
• white miso paste

KITCHEN TOOLS:

This is easiest to do with a hand blender & it's nice to have a fine mesh strainer if you want a super smooth soup.

Nutrition note - 

we are leaving potato skins and carrot skins on because they are the most fibrous. Fiber is super important not only for regular digestion, but to truly help our organs cleanse out toxins. If you want to read more click on this article.

INSTRUCTIONS - 

PHASE 1 - ROAST

Preheat oven to 400F degrees. 

Wash potatoes, take out eyes, and cut into quarters.

Cut tops off carrots, scrub with veggie brush to remove any dirt.

Toss carrots and potatoes with spices of choice (I used brown & yellow mustard seeds and some coconut oil)

Place on baking sheet and roast for approximately 40 minutes or until they can be pierced easily with a fork. When cooked, remove from oven.

PHASE 2 - SAUTE

Chop allium of choice. You want about 1/2 cup - 1 cup

In a large stock pot, heat 3 Tbsp of the fat of choice over medium heat (if the allium starts to brown, turn the heat down)

Add allium and let soften with heat and fat.

Once allium is softened (about 10 minutes), add roasted veggies & stir

PHASE 3 - BLEND

Add pint of broth and spinach, let simmer for about 10-15 minutes

Once spinach is soft, add 3Tbsp miso and use hand blender to mix until texture is smooth and even

Taste soup and add more miso or spices if needed

OPTIONAL PHASE 4 - STRAIN or THIN

STRAIN - Because we are emphasizing the nutritional value of fiber, little bits of potato skins and leftover spices are no bother to eat as they soften when cooked. BUT you can use a fine mesh strainer to strain out the excess if you don't like the chunky bits.

THIN - this is a thick soup with the nature of the potatoes, so it can be nice to add chicken broth or other broth to thin it out and add a little bit of extra.

Creating Space - The Depth of Winter & Contraction

What is space? How do we create it? 

Space is simple. It is padding of time, a breath or physical distance. It can be being alone, away, but there can be space in the midst of a bustling city corner with rushing pedestrians and honking horns.

If you are an introvert you probably 'get' what space is, and how to take it or make it for yourself. Space is downtime, time you don't need to be 'on'. This is something that introverts need. It's a way to balance the time they are out in the world and need to be on and engaged with groups of people.

While downtime and making space can be something that is familiar to many, it's also foreign to many others. We live in a world where there is a lot of value on action, results and being seen socially. Life appears as images on social media, when we hang out with friends, being out in the world. Often these works can be bettered by having invisible time, being alone, not doing anything, sleeping a lot, taking time to write (just for yourself) and look inward.

This space is a natural part of our Winter season. Many of us dread winter, it's cold, dark, miserable. There is a major key to living in it well, rather than surviving it: accept and embrace it.  Winter is necessary, take time to contract, take time alone. It is a great time to look deep inward. It is the perfect time to evaluate your calendar year and look to the next one. It is the perfect time to make resolutions (not to take action on them). It is the perfect time of year to access some of our deepest dreams and desires.

Sleep, hibernate, eat well, spend candlelit nights writing about your deepest, and darkest thoughts.

The Darkest Day

December 22, 2015 marks the shortest day and longest night of the year. It is the day where we will have the least amount of light in our lives. While many think of this as the beginning of winter, it is really the mark of the peak of winter. Right in the middle of the cold, comes this day where there is little light and a long night.

Has your year been heavy? Dark? Sad? Have you felt a list of physically draining symptoms (low-libido, fatigue, pain)? Are you ready to shift away from the many things that are hard for you and move towards a life that is more of what you love?

The winter solstice is a pivotal moment where our hours in the night have a beautiful way of telling us,  "This is as dark as it gets. It just gets lighter from here."

If you have been carrying pain, suffering and you are ready to let go of it, today is a great day to get it out of your system. Write a journal entry, paint something, and toss it into your fireplace or burn it safely over a candle. Think to yourself, "I am releasing..." 

With this same intention of movement and shifting we are moving into longer days, which means more light! While we look at what we want to release, we can also look at what we are ready to have more of in our lives. Light a candle, think of what you want and bring anything that represents more of what you want.

Wishing you a warm and cozy dark day. May you light as many candles as your heart desires. 

Why we want Superfoods to Save us

And how Health is never about just one thing.

While headlines like, "10 foods that will save your life" are catchy, easy to click and we want them to be all we need. If all we needed was more almonds or avocados, wouldn't life be swell? Unfortunately it's not that simple. While I will not argue with the indefinite benefits of super foods such as kale, seaweed, chia seeds, ginger, turmeric, etc. Our attempts to isolate these key foods and praise them as our saviors leaves a huge gap in how we can improve our nutrition and overall health.

In Chinese Medicine much of what is nutritious and beneficial to your health is based on your constitution. Each of us has a given constitution, some people are born hearty, and some more fragile. Within that there are certain foods that play to our constitution's strengths and some that will likely lead to various types of illness. While there are plenty of super foods that we can all add that help us, learning to know your body, your tastes and cravings is a much more effective way to look for longevity.

With many schools of thought and different ways of eating, it is also not too complicated. Here ar the best things you can do when choosing your food.

-shop at your farmers market (seasonal produce has immense health benefits to help keep you healthy through the season. Additionally, the less time between harvest and eating, the better! Grocery stores often have produce that has been picked and shipped, letting nutrients fall off slowly)

-cook at home (this doesn't have to be complicated or expensive! My easiest at home meal is greens with sausage and a grain. It takes 20 minutes and is healthy, affordable and has far less sodium than eating out)

-cook & eat warm foods (raw is ok once in awhile, but in general your digestion loves you to pre-digest aka cook your food! This helps longevity because your body isn't working so hard each and every meal)

If this seems more complicated than drinking that Kale smoothie today, get started on one small part today. Start to shop seasonally. Then add on the cooking in a few months. We are biodiverse creatures and need more than one food or food group to keep us going! Believe me, health and wellness will be all yours.